Author Topic: Fix my Engrish [sic], please. (Read 5807 times)

Primal Curve · « **on:** May 25, 2005, 02:11:32 PM »

Dear Jon Boy,

I consider myself to have a decent grasp of the English language. While I may not be the astute professor of all things grammatical as you are, I think I have a decent grasp on writing. However, most of what I do, I do on instict. I don't know if I am writing correctly or using the correct punctuation, and I'd like to learn by experience.

So, I was wondering if you could fix both the post I have just made, and this paragraph and give me the reasons why what I did was wrong:

"The inflated flour and water mixture combined with semisolid mammary excretions is very good with another food product made from the red fruit of a plant cut up into very fine pieces and strained so that only the finest particles of that plant mingle with the juice consumed when the planet on which we live reaches a point where our hemisphere receives the least amount of light from the sun and where the mixture of gasses present in our atmosphere tend to be below the freezing point of water."

Yes, I am a glutton for punishment.

Annie Subjunctive · « **Reply #1 on:** May 25, 2005, 02:25:44 PM »

Well, first of all, estute is not a word.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #2 on:** May 25, 2005, 02:46:19 PM »

Crap. That's what I get for spelling phonetically. Astute it is, then.

Brinestone · « **Reply #3 on:** May 25, 2005, 03:10:08 PM »

receives, not recieves

You people. "I before E except after C . . . "

Primal Curve · « **Reply #4 on:** May 25, 2005, 03:29:41 PM »

I knew that. It's a habit.

sarcasticmuppet · « **Reply #5 on:** May 25, 2005, 03:38:01 PM »

I before E is an evil, evil rule.

AFR · « **Reply #6 on:** May 25, 2005, 03:44:34 PM »

My advice is to rewrite the paragraph first and worry about lower level errors later.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #7 on:** May 25, 2005, 03:59:11 PM »

I don't care about spelling. I just don't think these grammar nazis can get past it at this point.

Jonathon · « **Reply #8 on:** May 25, 2005, 04:01:10 PM »

Um . . . wow. That's quite the sentence. Your post itself is very good; there are only a couple of minor things I'd change.

Quote

I consider myself to have a decent grasp of the English language. While I may not be the astute professor of all things grammatical as you are, I think I have a decent grasp of writing. However, most of what I do, I do on instict. I don't know if I am writing correctly or using the correct punctuation, and I'd like to learn by experience.

So, I was wondering if you could fix both the post I have just made and this paragraph and give me the reasons why what I did was wrong:

I would say "grasp of," not "grasp on." I believe that's the general usage. I also took out the comma after "just made" and before "this paragraph." When you use a conjunction to join two noun phrases together ("the post I have just made" and "this paragraph"), you don't need a comma between them.

As to the paragraph, I have to ask, what's your goal in writing it? If you're trying to confuse people and make them reread it five times, you've done good, kid. If you want it to be clear and understandable, you'll have to cut through the impenetrable jungle of words and just say what you mean.

Everyone's focusing on spelling because those are just about the only true errors in there. Grammatically, it's all fine.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #9 on:** May 25, 2005, 04:26:03 PM »

See posts on this thread at Sakeriver

As you can see from that thread, I was trying to first discuss the wonders of the grilled cheese sandwich (I was mostly serious, btw). The sentence I posted here is actually me trying to describe eating tomato soup in winter with a grilled cheese sandwich, but it was really hard to strike a balance between giving a lot of detailed information (simple words never aptly describe what's actually going on) and not making it a novel. I just didn't have the time to write a whole ton.

Jonathon · « **Reply #10 on:** May 25, 2005, 05:26:43 PM »

The problem is that some of your phrases are actually less clear and precise than the words that they're replacing, and some of them are lengthy without really contributing to the meaning.

For example, "inflated flour and water mixture": you're using five words to say what you could've said much better with one word. And to top it off, I really didn't know what you meant by it.

The biggest one, of course, is "when the planet on which we live reaches a point where our hemisphere receives the least amount of light from the sun and where the mixture of gasses present in our atmosphere tend to be below the freezing point of water." You used forty-one words to say what could've been said with one word. Why not say "winter"? What do those forty-one words say that "winter" doesn't?

Anyway, the moral of the story is that more words ? more detail.

Brinestone · « **Reply #11 on:** May 25, 2005, 06:05:22 PM »

Actually, I was picking on spelling because it was funny.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #12 on:** May 25, 2005, 06:15:16 PM »

Okay, maybe not more detail, but certainly a different perspective. If I had said "I like grilled cheese because the complexity of the creation of something like bread and cheese and butter is amazing" isn't nearly as interesting (at least, in my mind) as expanding on the terminology behind how it is created. I may not have written a dissertation, but I did expand upon what "bread" is. Then I ran with the theme for the sentence above. I know it's not efficient, but that's not what I was trying to obtain.

Brinestone · « **Reply #13 on:** May 25, 2005, 06:34:03 PM »

Looking at something from a different perspective is one thing, but obscuring your point in doing so is another. If you had made it possible for a person to think, "Oh! He's talking about grilled cheese sandwiches!" it might have been more fun. As it was, I was just confused.

rivka · « **Reply #14 on:** May 25, 2005, 07:16:48 PM »

Quote

However, most of what I do, I do on instinct.

Shouldn't that be by instinct?

As far as the inflated-bread-excreted-cheese goes, I understood what you were going for when I read the original thread -- except that I thought the tomato soup was meant to be a tomato sauce or dip. And I thought then (and still do now) that it was cute and clever, but trying way too hard. *shrug*

Primal Curve · « **Reply #15 on:** May 26, 2005, 08:34:40 AM »

Brinestone,

I was making reference to a sarcastic comment someone had made earlier on that thread about the "wonders of grilled cheese sandwiches." I think I intended it to be somewhat difficult to figure out.

Brinestone · « **Reply #16 on:** May 26, 2005, 08:52:48 AM »

Primal Curve · « **Reply #17 on:** May 26, 2005, 04:41:35 PM »

Whew! I can imagine the sound of your voice saying that. It ain't pretty. I just love it when people act condescendingly toward me.

Annie Subjunctive · « **Reply #18 on:** May 26, 2005, 04:48:05 PM »

You asked for criticism. It's a mistake to take criticism as condescention.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #19 on:** May 26, 2005, 04:52:23 PM »

Jonathon · « **Reply #20 on:** May 26, 2005, 05:07:17 PM »

I didn't read it that way, and I like to think I know my wife pretty well.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #21 on:** May 26, 2005, 05:10:49 PM »

I'm not one to stubbornly stick with an argument. I'll take your word for it, Jon Boy, since you do know your wife better than I.

You have to admit, though, it certainly looks condescending.

Jonathon · « **Reply #22 on:** May 26, 2005, 05:15:03 PM »

*shrug*

Not to me. I post "ah's" like that all the time, and unless I'm being sarcastic, I always mean something like "now I understand" or "that makes sense."

Brinestone · « **Reply #23 on:** May 26, 2005, 07:14:13 PM »

Yeah, it was a "That makes sense/Now I understand" kind of "Ah." I worried posting it that you would take it the other way, but I was at work, and someone walked past my desk at exactly that moment, so I didn't have time to elaborate.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #24 on:** May 26, 2005, 09:28:06 PM »

Then I formally apologize for my hostile reaction. I also was at work and didn't have time to think it over- just react.