Author Topic: Rewrite this sentence in English! (Read 1942 times)

AFR · « **on:** July 05, 2005, 11:22:41 AM »

Courtesy of someone in Legal, which means I have to leave it as is until someone with more power than me tries to decipher it.

"At the time a Distributor qualifies as an Executive-level Distributor, they and their circle group (Breakaway Executive Group) move permanently past non-Executive Distributors to the first level below the first qualified upline Executive or Qualifying Executive who successfully completes their qualification process that was in progress at the time the downline Distributor qualified as Executive."

The sad thing is, I know way more about this commission stuff than the poor end users who are trying to get a handle on the business. And I can't even figure out where to stick the crowbar into this one.

Jonathon · « **Reply #1 on:** July 05, 2005, 11:53:09 AM »

Holy cow. What have they done to my beautiful language?

Jonathon · « **Reply #2 on:** July 05, 2005, 12:25:42 PM »

The first thing I'd so is replace each instance of "at the time" with "when." It's not much, but it's a start.

Primal Curve · « **Reply #3 on:** July 06, 2005, 12:39:03 PM »

I'd start by burning the writer at the stake and then dissolving his ashes in holy hydrochloric acid.

Brinestone · « **Reply #4 on:** July 07, 2005, 08:01:32 AM »

I've got one:

Quote

The value of XXXXX is obtained from the XXXXX file entry for which the exam being processed points to.

My feeling is that "for which" needs to go, but what if the sentence means something else? Anyone read anything else in that sentence?

Jonathon · « **Reply #5 on:** July 07, 2005, 09:14:01 AM »

Yeah, it should either be "to which the exam being processed points" or "that the exam being processed points to."

Brinestone · « **Reply #6 on:** December 14, 2005, 01:54:44 PM »

"On the AAAA Form on the "XXXXXX" line, type Per Telephone request from EB does not let you type in that field."

To which the response was, "On the BBBB form for EB in the "XXXXXX" line needs to be greyed out for agents to be able to type on there."

Prepositional phrases and independent clauses do not count as nouns, people!

(Names of forms and lines changed for confidentiality, just in case.)

Teshi · « **Reply #7 on:** December 14, 2005, 02:05:15 PM »

It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't two "first"s and four "qualify"s.

Quote

who successfully completes their qualification process that was in progress at the time the downline Distributor qualified as Executive

This is the bit that really ruins the sentence.