From one of my new favorite blogs,
Language Log, I found a list of
"essentialist explanations"—nearly 800 descriptions that go something like "Language X is essentially language Y under conditions Z."
Some of my favorites for English:
"English is essentially bad Dutch with outrageously pronounced French and Latin vocabulary."
"Written English is essentially a variety of Old French invented by somebody who spoke only Saxon and read only Latin."
"English is essentially what happens when you can't decide whether the Greeks or the Romans had the better civilization, so you ask everybody they ever beat up on to sort it out."
Check it out. Good stuff.